And Another Thing: If Joanie Only Knew 

Posted by Hyatte on 07.09.2001 

Chyna. Yeah, her. She is nuts. You are nuts, girl. Crazy. 

The girl is out of her mind.

Chyna. Yeah, her. She is nuts. You are nuts, girl. Crazy. 

You know, I really don't care what her plans are. I really don't. I am a wrestling fan. We rarely miss anyone. Talent comes, talent goes and we let them go without so much as a single tear of even the briefest hint of nostalgia. Don't believe me? Ask Lawler. 

Better yet, ask Rena. Remember her Joanie? We barely do. We only have this sharp memory of the girl with painted handprints on her breasts. She was good looking, and she did that "Grind" thing, but that's about it. Is she your role model?

So no, Joanie, you can do whatever you want. This is America, you are entitled to make your own way and run your life exactly as you see fit. Just don't expect us to give a rat's butt anymore. 

I know we're not supposed to believe most of what the dirt sheets and the Internet sites report, but your current behavior goes right along with those nasty "rumors" that your head had inflated to the size of a watermelon. The modest, grateful woman who portrayed self confidence and determination in the ring began to believe her own hype, and began to like what she saw in the mirror. You walked out and we popped for you. Honey, we'd pop for a dead fish if it was packaged correctly. The WWF put a lot of work into you, both as a body and as a character. It took a long time for them to make you more than just Hunter Hearst Helmsley's bodyguard. They marketed you as gracefully as anyone I've ever seen. Jeeze, in the end, you even got to call yourself an author (ghost written, naturally) and a role model. The first Female WWF Inter-Continental Champion! You say you had nowhere else to go in the company, I say you had just began your rise.

But forget all that. This is simply a reality check for your inflated ego. I'm sure you're far too gone to care about it (I'm only a dumb wrestling fan, after all) but maybe one of your wrestling peers will get a kick out of it. 

So, the WWFE refused to pay up and you refused to lower your asking price? Hey, that's cool. We aren't stupid (oh, wait... yes we are), we saw the bored look in your eyes for the past year. You were watching the Rock pull in 5 million for a movie and figured "Hey, I'm just as popular! Why not me?" Hogan made movies. Piper made movies. Even that rickety old man, Terry Funk made movies! None of them had your qualities. None of them made the fans horny. They were men. You are a woman. The guys love you, right? You are a sex symbol! The women admire you. You played in sandboxes they were never allowed in. You are an original, a Female Bad Ass. The Amazon. The Ninth Wonder or the World. You are much too big for Wrestling. You were born.... well, made for Hollywood. See ya, Vince. Thanks for the career start!

Hey, I wish you all the best. Really. Good luck. I'm serious. Because you are desperately going to need it. See, Hollywood will take anyone who shows even a hint of being profitable. Hollywood Agents will take a chance on just about anyone who is a "name". Somewhere out there is an Agent who thought John Wayne Bobbitt could make money. Somewhere out there is an Agent who is wondering if OJ Simpson is bankable. For every star you see on Hollywood Boulevard, there are 2000 failures who bombed miserably and was brutally shoved aside and forgotten. Remember Jeff Speakman? No one else does either. Do you realize that it isn't going to happen for you, Joanie? Of course you don't. You have stars in your eyes, and your Agent has dollar signs in his. He remembers your Playboy layout, the one that broke sales records thanks to the WWF's promotional blitz. Now that we all realized that no, you don't have a penis, do you think we'll be lining up to check out the follow-up? Again, ask Rena Mero about that one. 

Still, it may all work out for you and you'll hit it big. The thing is... well, there are some obstacles in your way. 

For instance, you can't act. You're absolutely horrible at it. There wasn't a single wrestling fan who honestly thought you cared about Eddie Guerrero, much less wanted to marry him. Whenever you walked out with him, you flashed those much-too white teeth and contorted your mouth in some semblance of a smile. You couldn't even pretend to like the guy for ten minutes a night! Well.... actually, you were pretending, that's the scariest part. Or how about your refusal to do anything but crack up while telling Lita that you're going to spank her? I'm sure the part called for a heel turn where you became the she-monster champion who plowed through her opponents. Jeff Jarrett put you over. Chris Jericho helped put you over too. When it was your turn, you did everything you could to sabotage it. Great acting there, and a nice display of professionalism too.

You know what separates the good actors from the bad? They know how to "act" in "real life". In Hollywood terms, "real life" is how to portray naturalism while chatting away with Leno or some Entertainment reporter from a newspaper, magazine, or television. Stars like Tom Cruise, who are as secretive as they get, has scores of Agents, Managers, and Publicists to coach them and prepare them on acting and being as natural and as affable as possible in order to appeal to Americana in the best possible way. Jim Carrey is the Master of this art. Arnold Schwarzenegger is so bad at being anything but a pitchman for his latest film that he's actually entertaining as hell. You? Joanie, you even suck at being "yourself". Your charade is as artificial as your breast implants. You're recent online interview with Entertainment Tonight had you purring on about how "sexy" your leather outfit felt against your skin. Even on print it sounded contrived. "Ooh, I'm such a sex symbol, HISSS." Sweetie, do you really think your voice will turn us on? You sound like a man. You'll always sound like a man. It doesn't help that you've never been able to alter your tone or cadence. Yours is the voice of a monotone male in drag. This does not lend itself well to sexual arousal. No one will buy you as all woman even though you really are. How many roles do you think are out there for someone like you? 

Back to acting natural. Jeeze, honey, you even squirmed on the Leno show. Jay Leno fed you the most benign questions ever created and you still could not sell yourself. Remember the two times you were interviewed by Howard Stern? Did anyone inform you of how badly you did? Behind all the questions about sex, Stern is actually a keen interviewer who knows how get real answers. You couldn't fake your way out of it. He schooled you, gal. Sorry to say. He exposed you for being as phony inside as you are outside. At least in the WWF, you weren't asked to do much more than be a one dimension character. In show business, you're asked to be a "person". Joanie, your one dimensional character was that of a silent, mean looking bodyguard. How far do you think that will take you? Babydoll, when you smile, you look to be in pain! I promise you, Julie Roberts is not going to lose a single wink of sleep.

Does this sound like I'm bitter? I guess so. I'm not, really. You can go do what you want. Have fun. You might just make it. After all, the current movie you are filming stars Scott Baio. Truly, a Hollywood Mega-Star. Oh yeah, there's the project to bank your first weekend Box Office on. Who will star in your second movie? Joey Buttafuoco? Is that the career you really want? Hey, you'll always be able to get a gig saying, "I am Joanie and I am Sci-Fi". Ask Rena about that.

Maybe I am being too hard on you. I mean, I never invested dime one in a PPV just to see you perform. You were part of a greater whole, someone will replace you. There is always someone to replace everyone. Just like you replaced Rena Mero. Lita, for instance. No one is wondering whether she has a penis or not. 

Nah, I am being too hard on you, Joanie. I apologize.

Just do us a favor, after you lose Terminator 3 to someone hotter and Wonder Woman to someone sexier and after Hollywood chews you up and spits you out. After you accept a much lower offer from the WWF (or, dare I say, WOW?) and come back. Could you do us one, simple courtesy...

Could you maybe pretend to like being there?

This is Hyatte too.